There just isn't the time these days, with computer-sharing and work and stuff to do, to put down all the things I want to say. I'm lacking the emotional space and perspective.
Some of the points I need to work out:
-mothers and daughters in general
-how desperately I miss Helena when she's not here
-how little I feel I see her when she is here
-how difficult tantrums are
-my mother's implied criticism of my parenting technique (or lack thereof)
-things my mother has told me about mothering in her day
-the general inadequacy I feel as a mother these days
All my current angst relates to home-buying, the process of packing, the prospect of building a home, including the financing of the home, my place in the household. I'm deliberately detaching. There's a lot to do, all there is to do is plow through. While I'm "feeling" a lot of emotions, I'm not really processing them. It's easier to move forward by ignoring the inner turmoils.
And I want to tell you about the nostalgia, the things I'm finding in dark spaces in closets, the relief and freedom in purging oneself of objects and the past. The irony of shedding matter when for the first time I have the space to store it.
Helena is home with me today. We both have head colds. Naps! Movies! Books! Chicken soup! More naps! Ah, lazy day.