The world is a scintillant and fascinating place

Anticipation, when it occurs, often makes me animated and expansive, as if I am perhaps reviving and honing my senses in preparation for the awaited object: yes indeed, the world is a scintillant and fascinating place when a half-remembered mystery leans within reach.

(Her Japanese tapestries. My custom armchair. A former lover. An old book.)

I mostly read Pond, by Claire-Louise Bennett, at the spa, fitting I think because it's so meditative, nothing happens and nothing happens at the spa and it's a good place to contemplate minutiae. I'm not sure how I heard about this book, even though I try to keep track; it may have been in relation, somehow, to the Tournament of Books, possibly mentioned among the many excellent longlisted novels that failed to be shortlisted over the years, or it may have been some forum discussion somewhere regarding books about nothing, which I may have come across while googling something concerning some other book about nothing that I'm reading now (like, say, Orbital, or Ana Patova) or that I have read in the past several months (so many books where nothing happens). Even though I'm reading an ebook borrowed from the library, it thrills me to know Pond has been published as a Fitzcarraldo edition, gawd I love French flaps.

Be careful though, be very careful with flaked almonds; they are not at all suitable for morose of faint-hearted types and shouldn't be flung about like confetti because almonds are not in the least like confetti. On the contrary, flaked almonds aught not to touch one another and should be organised in simple patterns, as on the side of a pavlova, and then they are quite pretty and perfectly innocuous. But shake out a palmful of flaked almonds and you'll see they closely resemble fingernails that have come away from a a hand which has just seen the light of day.

There's a thing I read, and I thought it was in Pond, about a feeling that's like the feeling of having a neighbourhood cat that you see regularly and then you don't for some time, but you know it's there — a kind of comfort in and familiarity with the rhythm of a place — until one day you wonder if it's ok, I haven't see Simone all winter because it's winter but the time before that it had been a while and I was so relieved to finally see her patrolling her usual stretch of sidewalk, I'd wondered if she'd moved away or some other fate befell her. I think the worry was entirely my own, and not in the passage I was looking for, the worry came to me because it reminded me of Simone (Rosie has never warmed to her, Simone is very friendly, a bit of a slut really, with the sweetest little mew). Of course when I went looking for this passage I couldn't find it, just this bit about the cat that walks up and down the drive with you, but I can't think what other thing I've been reading that would evoke this tangential thought.

I won't be able to write emails like that again you see — that's to say I won't be able to write emails like that for the first time again. And that really was what made them so exciting — using language in a way I'd not used it before, to transcribe such an intimate area of my being that I'd never before attempted to linguistically lay bare. It was very nice I must say to every now and then take a break from cobbling together yet another overwrought academic abstract on more or less the same theme in order to set down, so precisely, how and where I'd like my brains to be fucked right out.

It is fitting that this library ebook should expire today, on the last day covered by my spa passport. The passport was unknowingly the smartest recent purchase I made (excepting the custom armchair [the perfect reading nook at last!] since my formerly favourite chaise longue just didn't fit this corner of the room, and this corner was just crying out for a place to sit with a book and a cat; and maybe the porcelain clay), a Christmas gift to myself, I've been going to the spa two or three times a week since, just to relax, I need help relaxing, I didn't know I was going to be laid off, lucky thing too because I've been able to go to the spa any time of day. I'd never really appreciated the sauna until I went to Norway where I'd exit the sauna to plunge into the North Sea, and this was loosely replicated again this past fall in Denmark. My local is a weird little spa, not sure whom I'd recommend it to, it's in an unsuspecting block building, an industrial commercial zone, but I can walk to it from my house in six minutes, which means I can go after dinner or when I roll out of bed in the morning, which is priceless, even if it doesn't have a view over a river and I have to walk past the tracks through the dodgy backstreet with the loading dock for the grocery store to get there. Inside is quite cleverly designed, you have no sense of the traffic that lies just a few metres beyond the slatted wood. In fact I'll bring Pond with me today so I can search one last time for that passage about the cat (maybe it's a dog, and I'm not suggesting that just because the narrator remembers a cat instead of a dog in a book she'd read, the dog was named Lynx after all, I think she's harsh on herself for misremembering, I think that was a perfectly fine detail to stand out, it's more tangible than actions and behaviours, it's only natural for the brain to fill in memories around a keystone, whereas in my case, I'm not frustrated with focusing on the "wrong" detail but that I can't find the source of it at all, this passage I remember may even be about a person, it's just that it reminded me of Simone, who happens to be a cat. Was it another book entirely? But I associate it with this one, and also I feel like I felt this feeling of association while at the spa, because this is the book I've spent most of my time with, albeit relaxed and unfocused time, an environment that nurtures looseness (of muscle, mind), a loosening of hangups (and associations), the brain fog shifts into brain fuzziness (altogether softer, kinder, warmer). Or is it possible I hadn't read anything at all to prompt this "remembered feeling"? My mind simply wandered to thoughts of home and the nieghbourhood and I thought of Simone, and in a bit of reverse trickery my brain associated this sequence to a passage I'd read rather than freely admit my thoughts went to Simone (not even my own cat!) of their own accord.

Everybody knows deep down that life is as much about the things that do not happen as the things that do and that's not something that ought to be glossed over or denied because without frustration there would hardly be any need to daydream.

One of the best things about reading Pond was that it led me to discover Claire-Louise Bennett's essay A Formal Feeling: Inside the world of Louise Bourgeois, which is stunning to me, stunningly weird as a review of a book or an exhibition or an experience, by which I mean beautiful, and it makes me think, for once, about how other people approach Louise Bourgeois and how art makes other people feel something completely different than what I feel, and sometimes it seems lesser and less valid, but sometimes it is more and deeper and I think my own thoughts are quite small by comparison. I think more reviews should be written that way.

I'm going to check out Checkout 19 now.

I think I liked sitting there actually; I think I felt as if I'd just come home from school on a Thursday. Nobody was taking any notice of me yet there was a lovely comforting sensation that beneficent things were being done for me somewhere. I think, as human experiences go, that is one of my favourite ones.

Excerpts
From Morning, Noon & Night 

Reviews 
Fiction That Will Make You Feel Pleasantly Insane (The New Yorker) 
Hmmmm, Stylish (London Review of Books) 

Understand the edges

You can't stay married to someone for ever just because they climb out of your attic one afternoon.

Or can you? How else do we make these decisions? The Husbands, by Holly Gramazio, was fun. So many husbands!

I probably would not have discovered or picked up this book were it not on the Tournament of Books longlist (it did not make the cut to final competition). The Husbands veers toward introspective rom-com.

She doesn't always like the new versions of herself, but they help her understand the edges of who she might be.

I love that our protagonist gets caught up in practicalities, googles her predicament when she can, and moves forward thoughtfully, when the science-fictiony multiverse premise could easily have taken an action thriller turn (à la Blake Crouch's Dark Matter), which genre I'm quite done with (whether on page or screen, I've lost all interest in extended chase and combat sequences, shoot-em-ups, and explosions).

[I don't have much to say about this novel (in fact, in general, I find I get hung up on writing about the wrong books here), but it did get me thinking more about editioning (inspired by how the husbands are swapped into her life, the subtle ripple effects of making those substitutions, as well as how any story's theme can be played out on range from quiet to bombastic). In terms of casting sculptures, I am working out whether I am producing the same sculpture in different ways. When do they become different sculptures? My sculptures are "separated at birth" as they emerge from the same mould. How do I talk about them, practically — a series, a sequence, versions, editions, variations?] 

Author interview.

Check out the Husband Generator:

An architect, though! What a perfect job for a husband. Ambitious yet concrete, artistic yet practical, glamorous yet without an industry-wide drug problem.

No one understands their own decisions

The truth is no one knows when they are making their biggest or most significant decisions. No one understands their own decisions. The woman danced with him; this was what the man from the coast had told me, in a café surrounded by windows that opened to the ocean.

I remember the salt. I remember the linen curtains that gave shape to the ocean wind. Someone said that when we open windows wide, the salt helps us remember who we are. Or how.

[Conversely, some of the seemingly big decisions of our lives end up being inconsequential. Many decisions have been made for me, some less trivial than others. Changing my employment, then terminating my employment, not my decision. But leaving this island for another... because the salt of the ocean wind may help me remember who I am... this is mine.]

The desire between one thing and another. The desire of bodies and, at the same time, the desire to narrate bodies.

Reading The Taiga Syndrome, by Cristina Rivera Garza, is like walking through a dream, or rewatching Last Year at Marienbad, or rereading a book of fairy tales, the dark kind, where all the pages have been reassembled in the wrong order. Like Paul Auster's City of Glass, if New York were a forest, and Auster were a woman and had more depth.

I had no ideas who the others were. But my morbid fascination thrilled me. Who can resist observing the original body? A body without a social context?

A woman is contracted by a man to track down his second wife who had left or disappeared or been led astray, but I cannot shake the feeling that she may be tailing a woman who may or may not be herself, a past self she is struggling to find her way to.

Their last communication came from a telegram office in a border town about two hundred kilometers away. The telegram, addressed to the man who had hired me to investigate the case, said briefly and somewhat obliquely that they were never coming back: "WHAT ARE WE LETTING IN WHEN WE SAY GOODBYE?"

I took the case because I have always had an all-consuming weakness for forms of writing no longer in use: radiograms, stenography, telegrams. As soon as I placed my hands on the faded paper, I began to dream. The tips of my fingers skimmed the creases of the paper; the stale smell or age. Something hidden. Who would set out on such a journey? That couple, of course. Our of everyone, only those two. From wat place, so far away in space, so far away in time, had this fistful of capital letters been sent? And what were the two of them hoping for? What had they let into their lives?

Hoping to find a way out? They had let in the end, and the beginning of what comes after the end, clearly. 

[My friends and I had joked that my employment should have been terminated by telegram. It was a last-minute "townhall" meeting, silent while we waited for the number of attendees to climb, then grimly silent as we realized the number wasn't expected to climb much more. "If you're on this call, today is your last day." But a telegram! In all caps. IF YOU'RE RECEIVING THIS TELEGRAM, YOUR EMPLOYMENT HAS BEEN TERMINATED. Or more ominously, TODAY IS YOUR LAST DAY. But what is the end of employment compared to the end of love, the end of a life you thought you were living in love? It's trivial. Coincidentally, a few days ago, I came across a telegram while going through my mother's papers, a telegram from Poland on the occasion of my father's death in 1977, "words of compassion" (rather, "condolences"). Or "today is your last day." In all caps. Maybe every telegram sends the same message: "WHAT ARE WE LETTING IN WHEN WE SAY GOODBYE?"]

Let me note, I love how prominently "body" features. Elbows. Spit. Cartilage. Vomit.

The picture showed that the skull, a cave of bones, looked strong enough to offer refuge. There, a body or the image of a body could curl up comfortably.

I wish I could sculpt these images, these noises:

I remember the movement of jaws, constant and dreadful. Opening and closing. Chewing. Swallowing. I remember how the voracity of my own chewing made me close my eyes. Sometimes pleasure is like that. Above all, I remember the sound of lips, gnawing and talking at the same time, and the grease shining on those lips. And how my food slid down my esophagus, slowly, before falling into the cruel mechanism of my stomach. All those liquids. All that acid. I remember the noise of gold chains around forearms and wrists. How the metal sparkled at that time of day. What time? What day?

There's a playlist. Presented as a chapter, or maybe an appendix to the narrator's report, I rather wish I'd known about it before the end.

In other readers of this short novel is evoked Anna Kavan's Ice, Tarkovsky's Stalker. It's Borgesian and Lynchian. It performs weird things with language. It tells the truth.

But what's it about? Walking into the forest. Following a trail of breadcrumbs into the forest. Going through the forest. Maybe this is how you find yourself when love leaves you.

But what, really, is the end of falling out of love?

[. . .]

"Even falling out of love finally ends." Had I really told him that? My voice softer. Placating someone is also a spiritual exercise. Look at this: your knees. They are used for kneeling upon reality, also for crawling, terrified. You use them to sit on a lotus flower and say goodbye to the immensity.

See also
LARB: The Intense Atmospheres of Language: Cristina Rivera Garza’s "The Taiga Syndrome"